I’ve put so much of the past-that-is-not-my-past first because I know their past has helped create my present. There are no pretty stories in their past from what I can tell. Or none that they cared to share with me.
I suppose it might be time for a real-time update. I think what I need to do here is to avoid a lot of personal, identifying details and stick with events and feelings. Maybe that won’t work in the long term, but it’s going to have to do for today. Today I feel abandoned.
It’s really hard when you have very close friends who have been struggling with all kinds of issues and who’ve been relying on you to be the strong one (and you’ve done it for them – kind of like with your kids), who then decide they are going to fix their lives, make changes, and move on without you. You look back and realize that between their emotional/health struggles, the recovery, and the post-recovery, they have really wanted you to be there for them emotionally and financially and when *they* need you, but unless you get really dramatic (read: make it clear they are not holding up their end at all in any way), they simply don’t think they owe you anything. Yeah – I think sometimes people owe each other things. I know, it’s conditional love. Not good.
If I had to spell it out, this is what my self-centered inner voice is saying, “I’ve done so much for you while you couldn’t do it for yourself, and now you’re all better and ready to go do all the things I’ve been waiting for you to do with me, only you’re going to do them with other people. And leave me. Like everyone else has on some level.” I expect my relationships to be transactional. I did all these things for you so you would be there for me (I didn’t tell you that, though). No way would there have been a chance that you might be there for me simply because you’re a decent person and I’m worthy. This thinking is not pretty, but it’s brutally honest.
This is happening. I can’t stop it. I feel used and taken advantage of, and yet I should not because every action I take I do so of my own free will. I have chosen every single step that has brought me to this place. I’ve done it with my kid, my husband, and now with this particular friend. And every time – this part of the story leaves me feeling wounded, vulnerable, lonely and pretty much lost. What am I getting out of feeling this way? I know it’s coming. Why do I do this?
I don’t know what steps to take next because I feel that if I respond by getting on with my life, that action will just solidify what appears to be a breaking off, an emotional breaking away, a loss of closeness and understanding. It’s really absurd (read: painful), this particular emotional state, because I know that historically when I’ve fought for the relationship, I’ve failed. It’s all been out of my control. I have no relationship with my child. My relationship with my husband is a roommate, not a partner. I have very few non-work friends. And now I fear that all the hard work invested in this person and in this relationship will vaporize. What happened to being able to count on people to be there for the long haul? I get it when people say that they don’t want anyone to hang around because they feel obligated to do it. I guess what I want is for people to hang around without feeling obligated to do it. Or for reasons other than my wealth or other things I can offer them.
I have these really, really lonely times. I tried today to hang out with my husband for lunch, but for me it’s all so superficial. There’s no depth to the relationship anymore because of all the words exchanged (or not exchanged) in the past, the neglect, the unwillingness to meet me half way. More reasons. He seems oblivious to it all – unable to see that I’m just on autopilot, maintaining the conversation, trying not to bicker, trying to recover from the millionth fight we had this very morning.
I want to be somewhere else, but I don’t know where. My best friend from high school even ignored my texts this week. All there has been is unrelenting work. Mental effort to the point that I’m immobilized. My depression and anxiety have surfaced. I need to get away. Everything seems so pointless. So impossible.
If I were free, I would clean my house, figure out my plants (I wouldn’t have animals although I love them), lock my doors and either wander by car, or train, or boat, or plane. I would no doubt be lonely still, but I would take all the time it would take to break free of this reliance on the need for other people. This messed up sense of love which should not be conditional. I actually do not think I’ve ever experienced unconditional love. And now I wonder if I’ve ever actually given it to anyone.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? I need to figure out how not to care if no one can love me the way I want them to. Because does anyone get to have that? Someone who loves them they way they want to be loved? How do I get that?
Law of Attraction says do the opposite when you’re a hot mess like this. Reach for the highest flying disc you can. Focus on anything positive. Get on some kind of positive frequency and stay there. Then slowly move up. No harm in trying.
Yeah – it’s a crazy day.