Rhythm

This is a draft post from August 22 2022 – never published it for some reason.

Honestly, I am at a loss. I’m used to a typical day looking like this:
– Get up
– Feed cats and let them out
– Make coffee
– Sit and review overnight stuff on phone while waiting on coffee
– Drink coffee
– Find something to eat
– Take morning meds, brush teeth, shower, blow dry hair, dress
– Put on makeup
– Head to office
– Login to 6 different places that I’ll need in less than an hour
– Begin what will ultimately amount to a day of almost consecutive online meetings, 12 or more simultaneous chat sessions, plowing through emails, delving into contracts or other issues that require an “executive” mind
– Try to remember to drink enough
– Get tired around 1:30 and then wrestle with myself over whether or not to go to the gym
– Return from gym and take whatever meetings, messages, tasks are left
– Head home anywhere between 5-7pm
– Converse with husband and watch television
– Lie down around 8pm to pet a cat and just to stop talking to people
– Either immediately fall unconscious or, need something to ensure that I actually shut off my brain and fall/stay asleep.
– Repeat until weekend

Sometimes I’d add travel, late night or early morning sessions with our parent company 12 hours across the globe. There would be unexpected house needs and of course my personal never ending struggle to be everything to everyone.

Now, there is no real weekend. There is no schedule, no rhythm unless I put a new one in place. If you are a fan of Myers-Briggs, I’m an INTJ. Every time I test, it never varies. So I like a plan, and a backup plan, and another backup plan. But retirement is supposed to bring me less stress, more freedom, and more spontaneity.

What I seem to be doing, however, is bouncing around trying different things to see what might fit. Today, for example, I began with cats, coffee, but then hit the gym for a full hour. Then home for a shower and household tasks. Husband took off with his friends so I went to an early movie, munching popcorn while watching “Where the Crawdads Sing” and trying to see if it was even slightly comparable to the book. Then on to the post office and home where I’ve just done my first heat transfer vinyl iron on shirt. Now I’m journaling about trying to see what my days should look like.

I know what the problem is. I can see a scenario where I will have all this free time and nothing to show for it. But that’s the thing, right? Does every moment have to have something to show for it?