Now: My life got away from me for 3 entire months. A wild stallion – me in the saddle, sometimes dragged behind by a rope, standing up and reeling from the ride when he would occasionally stop for water and sustenance. This stallion has been my life. But he is growing tamer, and I am becoming a better horsewoman.
It is impossible to catalogue all the changes that have transpired in these 3 months. My best friend’s husband has cancer. My grandson’s mother married for the first time at 39. My business has sold and once again I work for someone. I survived this merger (something I will never willingly do again). I’ve tried to run away from my life, only to find it wherever my body finds itself. I’m making my way through the life changes of two significant friends whose own life changes have irrevocably changed mine with them. I’ve bought more blank journals and self-help books than in all the years of my life before.
I am home alone for the next few weeks (save one) as my husband is traveling doing the things that make him happy. Each day that passes, I complete something that has been weighing in my mind for years – divesting us of some unneeded object, putting things in places that make consistent sense, doing hire-in chores that go undone on his watch. This is deeply satisfying. I’ve considered adding some travel while he’s gone, but the reality is that I should take advantage of time in my home alone. That is of concern – I don’t mind being alone at all.
I’m realizing how much time watching TV I waste each day in the name of peace and “doing things together”. I slept in a bit this morning (til 6am) and have as yet to turn it on. Rather, I’m going after the clutter, trying to update this blog, getting ahead of a few work things in an attempt to make this next week better than the last 3. I feel no guilt doing what will improve the quality of my life at the expense of sitting side-by-side looking at a television screen. And I see that one of the reasons I leave home so early in the morning is this sense of time wasted – time I could use to put things in order so that I can actually rest and enjoy time off. I haven’t been been able to do that in a long time.
I expect I’ve lost the summer window to see a couple of my grandchildren. Their mother, who is loving and well-meaning, reaches out to me from time to time, providing pictures and updates. The children, however, do not – and that is unlikely to change as they grow into their teens. I’ve come to know that contact with me typically comes near birthdays and Christmas, thus at times when I am likely to send money. Well, I have money and do not object to giving it, so I’m letting that go. But I regret not finding time to see them. I’ve seen them so little over the past few years thanks to their father’s mental illness (and probably their mother’s as well). This is simply going to be a sadness that is part of my life. I have no way to fix it until they are adults.
I’ve largely abandoned my regular exercise schedule and I’ve not restarted it these past 4 days in favor of getting more done around the house. That said, I am achy and my muscles easily tighten up and I know that it’s from lack of regular use. I am going to correct that.
At this moment if you asked me what was most important to me, I would say getting my environment decluttered and in some semblance of organization so that it doesn’t constantly buzz in my head as something critical left undone. Getting my life organized to the point that I can begin to recognize those things that really make me happy – like swimming with dolphins 2 weekends ago. Floating in water in sunshine. Having coffee on the deck of a cabin overlooking a mountainous wilderness. Allowing another book to enter my mind and ask to be released to the world. Practicing music and singing again until I’m at a point that I’m not embarrased to join in publicly when asked. Learning French and Spanish.
That is all today. More “Then” next time.